


I Still Can't Say It

by anonymouslywriting



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, boyf riends - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-09
Updated: 2018-05-09
Packaged: 2019-05-04 12:31:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14593098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anonymouslywriting/pseuds/anonymouslywriting
Summary: ' “I’m just a fucking mess.” Michael finally said. He wanted to reach out and bury his head in Jeremy’s shoulder, his neck, hook his fingers through Jeremy’s hair, but instead he just let his arms fall by his side and his neck hang. 'Inspired by the song 'If It Kills Me' by Jason Mraz.





	I Still Can't Say It

**Author's Note:**

> Drabble! Including:  
> \- Quoiromantic!Jeremy  
> \- Jeremy having problems sometimes with speaking; not exactly a stammer but a problem with remembering the right words for things and translating them from his head to speech , which I often get. Difficult to write: imagine pauses, nonsense syllables, words running into each other, unclear pronunciation and repeating words and syllables, rather than a sharp stutter.

“I  _ told _ you, I don’t have it!”

Michael was sat on his bed with his head down, trying to read his comic.    


“You haven’t left it... left it downstairs, I’ve checked everywhere, can you -  _ please _ just look!” Jeremy was stood in the doorway, wringing his fingers around his wrist.   


“For fucks sake.” Michael muttered, throwing the comic down. He got up and ducked to look under his bed… to find exactly what he’d denied possessing. Great.

He took it out from under the bed and extended it to Jeremy wordlessly.   


“Aha, I told you!” He said triumphantly.   


“Yeah, alright!” Michael spat, chucking the book in Jeremy’s direction. As soon as it left his hand, however, he could see the trajectory was right on track for…

“OUCH! What was’at for?” Jeremy’s hand snapped up to cradle his nose.

A flood of dismay, anger and shock flooded through Michael and he immediately wiped his face blank and turned away to hide it.

“That wasn’t what I meant to do, I’m sorry.” He intoned, picking up his comic and turning to pass Jeremy out of the room.  _ Shit. Shit. Shit. _ _  
_

“Michael, wa-wait-”   


“I didn’t mean to do that at all I know I should’ve checked okay.” Michael attempted to barge past Jeremy but he wouldn’t budge. 

“Michael, I’m not angry.”  Jeremy reached out and pulled Michael to face him by his arm. He attempted to stare Michael straight in the eyes – something Michael knew he struggled with and would usually avoid.

“What’s wrong?”

Michael stared helplessly into the face that had been the centre of his world for the past twelve years. What was wrong? Where should he fucking start.

But he couldn’t keep the anger coursing through him directed at Jeremy for any longer, not whilst staring straight at what he was so stupidly in love with.

“I’m just a fucking mess.” Michael finally said. He wanted to reach out and bury his head in Jeremy’s shoulder, his neck, hook his fingers through Jeremy’s hair, but instead he just let his arms fall by his side and his neck hang. 

“You’re not a, a mess.” Jeremy said quietly. 

Michael turned away with a shake of his head. “You have no idea, Jeremy.” He sat back on his bed and started clearing any junk he could see onto the floor, any excuse to keep his gaze lowered. 

“I have a… fairly good idea.” Jeremy sat down on the edge of the bed next to Michael. “You’re talking to the kid who, almost destroyed hu-humanity because his own, his own insecurities got so _loud_... that he... couldn’t see his own happiness.”

_ This _ . It was whenever Jeremy said something like this that made Michael’s deluded heart do star jumps in his chest. 

Michael put his head in his hands and sighed. “Saying stupid things, doing stupid things, stupid, stupid,  _ stupid _ , for no fucking reason.”

The constant yearning in Michael’s chest intensified until it felt like a void pulling at his insides. 

He could barely choke the emotion out of his voice. “And this, and  _ you, _ just-”

“Being  _ your _ friend.” Jeremy said, putting his hand on Michael’s shoulder. “I’m not, no’g… not. Going. Anywhere.”   
“Exactly!” Michael wasn’t in control of the words flowing out of him now. “You’re always here, and you always have been, and I  _ still _ can’t say it after all we’ve been through-”

“Say wh...what?” Jeremy asked quietly, his eyes fixed on a spot past Michael’s jaw.

The air whooshed out of Michael’s lungs. “You… don’t know. You still don’t know.” He felt deflated. Now wasn’t the time. There  _ wasn’t _ a time.  _ I will try to get to you if it kills me, it might kill me.... _

Jeremy moved his hand from Michael’s shoulder. “I, I don’t know what I know. I nnnever have. That’s why I...  _ fucked _ it up with Christine.”

A moment hung between them, in which a decision was made. Jeremy reached out hesitantly and took Michael’s fingers in his. Michael could almost see the  _ fuck it _ in the air. 

“M-M-Michael, are you in... love with me?”

Michael looked up to see Jeremy’s head ducked to look right into Michael’s eyes. 

“Stupidly, hopelessly...”

Michael’s fingers started buzzing, not knowing that the fingers holding his were fizzing with the same adrenaline.

“I…” Jeremy ran his thumb over Michael’s fingers and then lifted his hand to brush Michael’s jaw.    


“Micha…” 

_ It’s now or never. _

Michael lifted his fingers to encircle Jeremy’s hand on his jaw and lifted his head to meet Jeremy’s lips.

He was gentle, and slow, and his nose nudged against Jeremy’s.

A kiss.

Michael pulled back, leaving his hand covering Jeremy’s outstretched fingers.

Jeremy’s eyes were dilated and his gaze lowered. Some sort of wonder had spread across his face, and his gaze flickered upwards.

“Micha...” 

Jeremy moved inwards this time. And there was that. Jeremy Heere, kissing him. Michael almost wasn't sure it was happening, but at the same time was  _ very  _ aware of it happening. Jeremy's slim fingers were creeping up Michael's cheek, cradling his face. Michael couldn't stop some sort of sigh from catching in his throat and he moved closer to Jeremy, taking his hand away from his own face and moving it to push through the hair at the nape of Jeremy’s neck. 

Jeremy moved his mouth away to take a breath, letting his forehead drop to touch Michael's. His gaze was still lowered, looking to his other hand abandoned on Michael's knee. 

“I, have... spent ssso long trying to sort between... romantic, and, and platonic attraction, and I  _ still _ couldn't figure it out.” Jeremy said in a superscript voice. “But I… th-think I have it, now.”

“You think?” Michael couldn't stop a laugh from bubbling up from his chest. “Jeremy, I've wanted to do this for four years. You stupid, adorable boy, do you want to kiss me again or not?”

Jeremy took both of Michael's hands in his. “I really, really do.” 


End file.
